fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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