Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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