You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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