All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
