Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
