I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
