At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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