Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
