look no pants
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
