I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
