help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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