i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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