I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i drank out of a bidet.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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