Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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