Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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