I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
