I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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