I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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