I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
