Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize