So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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