did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
