Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
