I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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