i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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