i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
