I just pynch a tree in the face
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize