If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize