Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
