don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
