His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
