Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
