i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
