you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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