just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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