I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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