I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
