When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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