It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
