So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
