i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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