I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
