She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
