my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
