2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
