please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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