I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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