I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
