at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
