I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
