where does the pee come out of this thing
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
