Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
