i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
