we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
